A couple of months ago I shared a blog called 10 Ways I BLEW IT as a Worship Pastor Dad. I heard from a few folks who were helped. I also heard from a few who thought I was unfairly hard on myself. But it was honest. I still wish I'd done those things differently.
Still, there are a few things I am happy I did. None of the seven were original with me, but I am so very grateful for the memories; the results.
I believe my stunning daughters, Catherine and Emily, would agree with both lists. Importantly, they would say that not all of the ones in this list seemed like good ideas to them at the time. But they were formative in the right ways.
Here goes...
1) We taught them who they are. We used scripture verses and conversations to remind them that they are made in the image of God. They are adopted daughters--Princesses of the Most High King. Their feelings of insufficiency were always lies with smoke on them. (From the fiery pit of hell.) One of the ways we did this was to find supporting verses of scripture and write them on their bathroom mirrors with EXPO markers. They really thought it was stupid. Until they discovered it was priceless.
2) We supported their dreams. Catherine found "her thing" quickly--and it was dance. She was a member of the Champions Elite All-Star Dance Team. (And part of a dance studio, and later, the high school dance team). She danced hip-hop and pom. The Champions coach (Andrea Masters, now Andrea Oney) assured us that the dancing would be age-appropriate and that as a pastor I would not be ashamed or embarrassed by the dancing. She was right. I was, instead, often moved to tears seeing Catherine's team excel at precision, at bringing each other along, and at winning well. Oh, and losing well, too.
Emily was more diverse in her interests. She loved horses, so she got a horse one Christmas. (Thanks to a great bonus my wife got at work!) But we made sure she REALLY loved horses first. So she spent months mucking stalls. She told us she kind of liked the smell. (Yuck!) That lasted a few years. And she loved art, so we went to art museums. Then there was tennis. I'd try to play with her some, but I was horribly out of shape. (See the aforementioned BLEW IT blog.) Emily moved on to photography, something she still loves to do. Oh, and both girls loved movies. We spent a lot of time at theaters and bought a bazillion Disney DVDs. Whatever their dream (one at a time, by the way), we supported it with everything we had.
3) Daddy / Daughter Overnights. This is one of my favorite things we did. I totally stole the idea from a choir member in my first full-time church. Each daughter got 2 days and 1 night with me. Just me and one girl. Every summer. They'd pick the city (within an hour or two of us) and they'd plan the trip with me. What would we do? They picked. (Always included going to see a movie. Sometimes 2 or 3!) Where would eat? They picked. (IHOP, Don Pablos Mexican Kitchen, and pizza were all givens.) The hotel had to have a pool so we could swim. And the other things were often around those dreams I mentioned above. This overnight trip was where quality time got a boost. It's where we talked about boys and what parts of their bodies they'd be gawking at. It's where we dreamed. We laughed. And we remembered that we would always be daddy and daughter.
4) Chaperoned Field Trips. Because of the flexible nature of a minister's schedule, I could go on just about every trip they took, whether it was a half-day or 3 days. I got to learn alongside them. I got to be the biggest/best pool toy at the hotel at Space Camp. I got to know their friends. I got to see them growing. I got to be a "normal dad," not a ministry dad. I got to know other parents. This was a blast.
5) Drove them to / from school. One of the saddest parts of parenting is one of Catherine's happiest. When she could drive to school, the nest started emptying. Even though we never had a long drive--10 minutes or so--those minutes to anticipate and debrief the school day were precious. Until the last time I dropped them off, the last words before they exited the car were always an out-loud prayer. If there was a big test, either academically or socially, the prayer might have been a few seconds longer and a good bit more intense. But we always ended the drive and started the school day with prayer.
6) Established wide, solid boundaries. This is more of a philosophy than an activity, but I believe it is worth passing along. When I get to have conversations with young parents, this comes up a lot. The boundaries we established were VERY difficult to move. They were not soft. They were rock solid. And because we were so familiar with the number of PKs (Pastor's Kids) that rebel, we tried to give them boundaries as wide as we could. So when Catherine was 14 and wanted to get her belly button pierced, I took her and held her hand. I could have been hard-nosed about it and told her it wasn't appropriate for a ministry family. But by allowing her to stretch into a barely on-the-edge activity, one that we didn't find prohibited in Scripture, I was the cool dad. The boundary was wide. On the other hand, when they bumped into the boundary, the result was discipline. Always. I told both daughters countless times: the more we trust you, the wider the boundary. When you violate the boundary, you lose trust. So be trustworthy and you will have a giant playground. Disobey, lie, deceive us and you will have a tiny sandbox.
7) Cultivated Independence. I was surprised when Emily shared this one with me. Not because they aren't independent, but because she recognized it as a "win" for us as parents. As she texted me, "you made us do stuff on our own (which was super annoying as a kid, but I guess it made us more independent or whatever)". Like a mommy bird has to push the baby bird out of the nest, parents have to nudge their kids to do stuff they don't think they're ready for. My goal was to develop them into fully independent, confident, competent young women. They are both so severely independent that I sometimes I feel like I overdid it!
Well, there you go. It would be fun to see some of the things YOU did if you're old enough to have parented well. Or that you are glad your parents did if you're too young to be "mostly finished" raising your kids. Please share with the rest of us so we can learn too!
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