Answered prayer... really?

Like many who spend time on stage, I have long admitted (confessed, too) my struggle with the sin of arrogance. In fact, for more than a decade now I have been praying for God to "crucify the pride out of me." This plea was inspired by Galatians 2:20, "I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I now live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me."

Looking back now, the fact that I would pray that in public was probably--almost certainly, really--an act of arrogance itself. I'm confident I said these things in the presence of other folks so they would think more highly of me. Sheesh! It's like pride on steroids!

Anyway... when I prayed that prayer, I didn't consider something. Crucifixion is to put to death. I sort of got that; it was really the point. I wanted--and still want--God to put to death all sin that's in my life. 

But crucifixion is also painful. Very painful.

How did I not see that coming? 

You see, God has been answering my prayer request. And for about four years my life was painful. My ego was not just bruised, it was tossed in a giant dryer tumbler and bounced around, colliding with the circumstances of life over and over and over.

In the fall of 2010, I was asked to leave a church because they couldn't afford to pay me anymore. I was humiliated. I imagine God was using that experience to answer my prayer.

In the summer of 2011, the church plant/relocation I was serving decided to close. I can see God used (not caused, but used) that experience to answer my prayer.

In the spring of 2012, the large, flagship church I was serving as interim decided that I shouldn't stay permanently. Again, God was crucifying the pride out of me.

Here's the surprise: it really hurt. The experiences of leaving those churches hurt, sure. In fact they hurt my family as deeply as they hurt me. Maybe more.

I'm just not sure why that didn't occur to me when I asked. I've read about, been moved to tears by, taught and preached about, just how painful crucifixion is.

And God has been crucifying the pride out of me.

Even as I write this, share this, I'm aware that I hope you'll read it and admire me. I almost didn't post it.

But I want my story to serve you more than I'm worried about whether you admire me, think me puffed up like a peacock, or think I'm just being goofy.

Consider what you pray for. Discern ahead of time what the answer might mean. And then pray with all of your heart for what God and you want.

While there's a lot of pride left in my heart, I also want you to know that God has been answering my prayer, my quest. In recent months the lessons have been far less painful. Indeed, this season of my life and ministry is one of unprecedented joy.

I can't help but wonder if there are little shadows of another verse of scripture in this season: "For the joy set before him he endured the cross." There's no comparison, seriously. But on the other side of crucifixion there always seems to be joy. After death, life. 

One more verse to wrap up: 

Crying may last for a night,
    but joy comes in the morning.

          --Psalm 30:5b

Ultimately, our God is a God of hope.